My Life

Posted by alonewolf to BoyWrite on June 03, 1999 at 08:39:55:

 I'm not a writer so I hope I don't bore you guys to death.Let me start by telling a little about myself.The things I'm about to say I've never told anybody.I was born 11-25-51 of a strict catholic family,it was church everyday and catholic school.I don't have many memories of being young,except being mentally,physically,emotionally,and sexually abused.My dad used to tell me how worthless I was,and then procedded to beat me with his fists.I was forced to give my brother and his friend blow-jobs.I was 11yrs.old at the time.I was threatened with an ass kicking if I didn't do it to them.They told me that if I told anyone they would kill me.To say the least I was a very frightened kid.This went on for about a year.I didn't have many friends thoughout my childhood,being to shy to find any.We moved to the west coast when I was 15yrs.old.There were a lot of boys in my new neighborhood,and I found myself checking them out and wondering if any were like me.I didn't know at the time I was a boylover.I found it strange that I liked boys rather then girls.I didn't make many friends there either and at 17 went in the U.S.Army.Iwent to Germany and fouund myself looking for boys.I was hard putting up a front that I was just like every other guy,straight.I had to play the straight guy and be as macho as them.A lot of the guys started to question my sexuality,and that's when the fighting started,if anyone called me a fag or queer I'd have to fight.I was there for 11 months and transfered to Vietnam in 1970.I was 18 at the time and still haven't had sex,I lost my virginity to a whore to keep up apperances of being straight.While there a became involved in the local orphanage where there were lots of boys.I spent most of my free time there.On Feb.11,1971 there place was hit by morter fire and most of the kids were killed.I was in a quandry to say the least.I never got close to anybody again whils in the service.I was honorably discharged in 1972.I was more or less lost by this time.I made friends with another Vietnam Vet who had two sons ages 10 & 12yrs.old.I never did anything wrong to these boys just tried to give them my love.Their dad started to question my relationship with his sons.He asks me if I'm a pedophile and I don't know what the word means.I go home and look it up,and yes I guess I am.I don't much care for that word,I'm a boylover not a fucking monster,or child molester.He asks me to stay way from him and his sons.I thought about suicide more times than I can count,but just can't pull the trigger. At this time I start to drink and do drugs heavily after finding out what I am.This went on for 20yrs.I hated myself because of it.Now after 9yrs.sober I have come to accept myself as to who and what I am,A BOYLOVER first and foremost.I would never hurt or abuse a boy in any way shape or form.I found BC while surfing the net.I hope someone will be my friend seeing that I don't have many.I posted a boylover who is afraid,and want to thank all that guided me in my post.I hope yyou'll welcome me to BC,as I'm tired of being alone.I need someone who knows where I'm coming from and help me understand boylove better.Thank-you....Alonewolf


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