What was your name? I can't remember you who I met through the flabby gay activist who ran gay youth groups helped runaways took them in  and hit on all of us sweetly, I have to say told us tales of the latest young hoodlum  who had robbed him all shortly before his literal execution  at the hands of the police and so.... two pock marked teens  both with a brand  new driver's license staring booth to booth in our disco shirts and tight fitting jeans me in my faux Led Zeppelin hair you in your white boy afro Bee Gee's on the radio strangers in a strange land arranged by the arranger I know he wanted to watch in fact I think he asked if he could.....be there you know, to help, coach make suggestions  and no doubt  participate and "document"  the proceedings! :)  Yes I remember this and I declined ...anyway.... We weren't terribly impressed with each other not the beautiful people but you gave me the look anyway the one that says  "Well? What do you think? Do you want to? Should we?" We went back and forth  like that for some time until I moved Nothing in common no chemistry only the mutual need to touch and be touched how obvious  we must have been bath house behavior in a Burger King "Follow me" and I did I remember you were taller than me quite thin I can see in my head the new Mercury you drove brown the exterior  of your parents' townhouse the color of a cadaver the darkness of the interior of the shag carpet and drapes even the walls weren't white I remember My body wasn't nearly  as nice as yours I knew you were right  when you commented about it your body turned me on  and so did your fat cock but I still couldn't  get hard  and that annoyed you we sniped  standing naked in a dimly lit room that looked  like the back of a van "well we're here and naked let's at least try something." I was never fully aroused and of course I spat you wanted it in my  mouth when you came but you'd covered your dick with lotion! ugh so much we didn't know  or think about still nude  I called our mutual acquaintance from your living room and announced "I'm not a virgin  anymore" it wasn't quite true but no matter he was happy for us "Wish I'd been there." Yes, Fred, I know. :) "Gawd! Would you get dressed  and leave already?" I heard you say and when you read the hurt  on my face you tried to say  "well what if  my parents come home."  I wasn't in love, either but it was still painful I suppose we used each other in a desperate way some kind of  mutually assured  destruction and we both agreed no exchanging of phone numbers It was a Saturday and I remember thinking about you the rest of the day and into the evening  I made popcorn on the stove  and watched Saturday Night Live they, we, were all so young then all this I recall  as if it were a month ago everything  except your name  but why am I thinking  of you? why now? you were only one of...how many? who are more fun to remember than they were  to experience  at the time? because you were  the beginning of learning  the ins and outs of a hollowness  I long to funnel  my way out of? I've loved and maybe  been loved back maybe is that where it ends? Everything seems over before it starts memories fade even before they're created shadows in reverse some kind of time flux a ride on a Möbius strip slide I'm left feeling  that what I want out there is not out there at all but back when and not because of 40 years  of hysteria at least not only that no.... it's something to do  with the promise of a young life

 

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